Bye bye 2013 ..Hello 2014

A recap what i have achieved ...and a summary

2013
1. PHD defence proposal - done..ok
2. Running...Done
3. Progress PHD -Nope
4. Love and relationship.. -Hurray..experienced love...
5. Swimming - Done..can swim freestyle...sementara di KL..
6. Family - Done and check..ups and down..yet me love them
7. Friends..love love
8. Holiday.. check...penang...hmmm...

2014
1. Gonna plan my cuti cuti...either a nearby or a bit further

•        Aquaria
• Perak

2. Running : Will be lesser as am going for those i love the event and something new

• ntv7
• women marathon
• save the earth - run..walk..jungle tracking..plant trees
• penang??

3. PHD : Gonna make my office as a second home....give it to me baby
4. Swimming : If nearby and got time..definately will try to maintain
5. Love: expected the worst...hopefully by making myself busy..it wil eventually make be more better with it...
6. Writing articles and journal - part of phd progress too

thats all..gonna find food for today celebration...

Happy new year..and thank you for the wonderful memories....

Recipess : Chocchees yogurt cuppies.

Well,

Today, decided to filled my time making choccheese yogurt cuppies which i took from a blogger : Bootylicious ...

Well, went to bought the stuff and somehow i modified the recopies...anyway, here's the original recipes taken original from her own recipes...Bootylicious ...

– 2 cups semisweet chocolate chip 
- 2/3 cup cream cheese softened
- ¼ cup warm water
- 1 tbsp agar-agar or jelly powder [I use jelly powder]
- 1/3 cup Nestle Natural Set Yogurt
- ¼ cup icing sugar – Some cupcake liners [or cupcake case]
- 1/8 cups fresh fruits chopped or ½ tsp fresh orange [or lemon] zest. For the fruits or zest part, you could even substitute them with jam instead.

Directions:-
1. Pour 1 ½ cup of the chocolate chips and heat over a pan of simmering water until smooth. Make sure the water is not too much

2. Add the remaining or mix together until smooth

3. Drop a spoonful [use a teaspoon if your liners are small like mine] of the melted chocolate into the liners. Swirl the liners so the chocolate will fill the sides of the cups as well.

4. Put the chocolate cups in the freezer

5. Beat yogurt, cream cheese and icing sugar until mixture is light and fluffy. You can beat it manually or even using a hand mixer.

6. Add agar-agar into warm water and stir until dissolve.

7. Once dissolved, immediately add to the mixture.

8. Add chopped fruits or zest. If you are using jam, do not add them in. They should be add later

9. Take the chocolate cups from the fridge and drop a spoonful of filling into the mixture. Make sure the filling is below the chocolate line at the cup’s sides. This is when you drop a little bit of jam into the filling [if you are using jam]. Think of blueberry tartlets – the amount of blueberry that they use.

10. Place the cups again in the freezer for about 5 minutes

11. The filling should be a little bit firm by now – they don’t need to be very firm. Reheat the rest of the melted chocolate and drizzle over the filling.

12. Place the cups in the fridge for the final found and voila 10 minutes later your cuppies will be ready.

Well, sadly to say, i lost my smartphones therefore i could not took and upload my creations...yet will update the results....

enjoy..and for my future reference incase i forgotten the recipes....lalallalalala

woke up..alone..empty...silent....hoping ...reflection.....

Back in melaka....Alone

A time when i miss to be at home....my home...doing nothing yet was hoping something..a miracle perhaps.....occupied myself by surfing the net while the tv is on.....life suck when something changed in your normal life and it end up making your life empty....yeah...love....relationship....

LOVE
1. He messaged...not a good start....was thinking to be silent..but knowing me..i cant..a verbal person i am...i pop up the questions.....asking if he was not feeling any guilty at all for not communicating with me for weeks...his reason..busy with work...a stupid reason indeed....tak masuk akal langsung...was totally out of my mind in accepting....told him i'm deeply hurt..was thinking am the worst gf he ever had..as he had the cruel heart of deciding to shove me aside....yet...he can update his fb...adding friends...reply a comment..but to spare a minute to say hi etc....he can't....a lie? or a series of excuses....

He apologise.. ..yet not happy.....express my feeling ..and how i was miserable yet getting by day....he did not response to it...the next day...i took the courage to msg him...asking how he is....he told his ok....need to double check my heart....i informed him on my weekends...and he replied...today....hoping  he changed or do something..texting me....yet..nothing....i can't be like this...because of love...i reduce my workaholic habits....going back early.....spending time with him....hmmm....my expectation failed...Give me time....to walk out...


Work.
Shifted to the  new room temporary... more space...will have to catch up my work.....yep...a new place..a new environment for me to start my workaholic ... where i don't have to think and being alone...

Study..
Gosh..need to execute it.......

Health..
getting back my momentum...running weekly..swimming.adding to jungle tracking and gonna reduce my running event...short trips indeed...

Financial
Gonna save some money for education...health...vacation....

Moving faster

Yesterday decided to went back early, had a run...and decided to do some groceries shoping with a housemate...

Somehow...a story need to be told...yeahh..agaian...i'm still having queries..rest assure, missing him getting lesser..yet wondering why he's doing this....and eagerly waiting for him to at least call or msg..yet got to be patiently waiting for it.....3 weeks....and i dont think he still have the same feeling towards me...dont think he want this relationship to work...he is letting it go the love...and what ever his promises are....hmmmm

We had a chat....and what i hope for...shattered...told her..what i have done since this is my first ever relationship...as i followed what friends told me need to be done...yes, i had scarifies.. a bit of spending and $$ and time with him rather than doing my research...and i taught its a part of accepting our partner down side....a sacrifices ...hmmmm..and yes, i have deleted my expectation and my perception in a relationship...

My dream in a reationship
1. Never ever go and meet with parents unless decided to get married seriously..
2. Dont try to sacrifies or willingly to belanja etc...have a limit
3. Spending too much time dating..not good....
4. The guy should be able to fetch, drive and send me back...willingly to pay for me..most of the time
5. Should be able to handle any crisis or problems arises
6. Able to handle and not a hot tempered...

Yes...this is wat i have blindly failed to do....due to this yesterday while lying on the bed...i was reflecting back on the bad experienced and words he mentioned which i ignore or forgotten..his words and action

1. if my mum were ever dislike you..i will never eagerly go out with you....
2. We had planned early for him to fetch me and send me..yet when his younger brother requested him to send him..he decided to send his brother back to shah alam and requested me to go back after lunch...hmmmm..priority more to his family....
3. He willingly to cancel our meeting for his family..while i would sometimes priority him over my friends and my family....
4. When we fight...early stage he would apologize...for once..and then..no apologizing...and his favorate phrase "barang yg lepas jgn dikenang"...yet...it repeats..
5. When he's angry...he will keep silent...while me after few days will try to call and make a decent conversation....end up...i will get the worst ever action/conversation...yet i can be patient...hmmm...love is blind..

well, this is what i told her....she some how knew about it...she told me her side of stories and mistakes she made....with her current fiance is much better compare to her ex....i told her..i prayed that, for my heart to close for any relationship....i can't waste my time anymore....somehow..she disagree and forbid me to do it again..somehow her reason was valid and have some senses...

i made the wrong prayers...its all about the mistakes i made..the wrong sacrifices...and think i did wrongly...i agree...when i reflect back..well....i reda..accept what ever have and had happened...i accept that this relationship will never work...and if he still love me and this relationship , he will never being silent for weeks....a man who love you..god and this relationship will never keep it silent..a solution and communication need to be executed...yes...

as i reached home..i grab a book "the last lecture"..as i read..i struck in my mind...if this is the barrier..the wall for me to archived my dream of having a happy family...i need to fix things..never give up..rest assure, dont think i will ever go back to him...no...its not a 1 party need to involved...i gave up...remember..but i doesn't mean i will not fall in love again...i'mm a bit wiser now...prayer..prayer...etc...yes....hating him...no..i will not..i should thank him...for giving me the meaning of being love....

I felt better...yes..my prayers are meet....yet..sometimes..i do miss the caring etc...who doesn't...now..slow getting back with my routine....i'm better...will be better..thank you for all the friends i had giving me a good advice..allowing me to make mistakes..learning the hard way..and getting the experienced i need to be more wiser.....

You have to learn to let it go.......A step forward.....

hmm....a step forward.....and you would not know whether you are doing it right or wrong...yet, there are lotsa things i can do and need to archived.....

and today...jom going a short run..back with continuing my marking .....lalalalalalal.....learning the hardway...if it take months and years for me to prepare for my heart to accept and try to love somebody...it will take times for me to close back the heart...i dont think am prepared to take the risk of going thru emotional ...cukup dapat merasa...dan pengalaman....

my emotional is meant for my parents , friends and allah....too week to handle any love affairs...sad..how i could not fulfilled my parents wish of getting married at their age...when there's opportunity...yet my dad told me...if the marriage you think gonna burned you...its better for you not to get into it in the first place...

k..bye bye...my love relationship.....thank you...for the sweet memories....

Getting back on track

Alhamdulillah..

This week, started with my running and swimming routine...hehehe..kalu boleh la...yesterday ran about 4.5km in 50 min..was following my friend instruction... fast..slow...average...slow...fast..slow average...till am totally tired...yet due too weather and wild dogs..i have to run in the day...Today have a good 1 hour swimming.....was very impressed with the girl who able to swim a perfect freestyle....i think she swam 20 laps...but definitely more than 10 laps.....will definitely swim like her 1 day...practice..practice..got to find a swimming pool back in melaka...alalal..at least 1 week once...

Gonna have my 21km run in melaka on january....hopefully am able to improve my run...gonna do my twice per week running...1 swimming.....Also been watching my dinner intake....yet..kalu dah lapar tuu...mkan apa yg ada la...heheh...mana boleh tahan makan....no wonder...i'm chubby....lalalalalal..chaiyokk....trainning fr my 21km...chaiyokkk

Tomorrow, borong buku plak.....then mkn then movies....really am looking for some activities which i deserve..enjoy while am here....got to make myself busy....get back my routine life...been staying in my friend house from yesterday till tomorrow...and yesterday, was a silent ..alone me in the bedroom....bad dreams...hmm..and as i was looking at the phone, i was hoping for him to msg...missing chatting..communicating with him....hmmm..not easy....before this, was keeping my hp away..but yesterdat needed it to look at the time.....hmmm.......hmmmm..wondering what makes him so heartless doesn't want to communicate with me..gonna be 2 weeks..and i'm countingg? He told me before, with his ex-gf..the longest is a week.....urghhhhhh.....darn...sound and seems to be hoping...hmm...ker tak sabar nak execute the silent and no reply once i got the messsage from him...yep...tu yg tgh tunggu tuu...hishhhhh....


k...k..no more...less talking bout him.....reading reading readinggg lepas nie..byk keje bertimbun nak duk tanda kertas and exam question..n main game...tgk movies...byk mende kene buat tau.....

Alhamdulillah

Thank you for everything Allah..for granting my wish...bagi segala ujian...menjadi hamba yg bersabar...and menyesal dgn kesilapan yg dibuat dgn dugaan yg diberi...tapi sentiasa memberi hidayah untuk mengingati kekuasaan mu....totally forgotten, when i will spend my time talking and praying for you..telling my sad, frustration and happines.....

maybe its a choice to choose the priority 3, where i have to choose islam, career,education or relationship...when  my prayers to felt in love and giving my heart a chance to experience relationship, my education stop....i was busy with couple, msg, texting.....you taught me a lesson....its been 7 months i stop progressive my research which is equivalent to my 'relationship'....which i have disappointed my dear supervisors...rest assure, i'm gradually on my track....never cried over a split milk...

Terima kasih, dan alhamdulillah...gradually my feeling toward him lessen (since he never called or msg..and i do not want to get answers from him anymore).....i know and i wish my prayers are meet....i tried and i choose my education....yet, being a human and me...i hope am able to keep what i promised..even hearts have to  be broken including mine....a baby step and its not easy...never been easy....yet cant say much.....its easy said than being done...just keep on praying and the faith.....

when heart say A, yet the action will do the B...and the verbal will be C...yes..i'm not stern with this 3..and most to whom i told my stories are confused with me and us. When we are happy, i just keep silent, when we fight...i tend to tell and seek opinion from my friends..knowing me not having a perfect characters and expected compare to other ladies....maybe i failed as a partner or maybe coupling is wrong?hmmmm....

i hope, to be silent with the relationship with everybody.....hopefully nobody asked and if they do pop the questions....either i divert or just give a smile.....yet, kalu dah jodoh with him....i prayed for him to have a future, a responsibilities for his future families, a good financial stability...a good islam practitioners and support my education and career as insya allah i will support his career and our families.....

ok..crossing fingersss.......

Letting it go???? Am climbing and stepping definitely not an easy stuff

Its not easy....nothing is easy....

Letting go the love i had with him...gradually..replacing and occupy with other stuff...its not easy...yet hopefully i'm doing it right....missing the chat..the concern...the msg...the love which i hope to get and sustained....k..dont grumble...over a split milk....

yeah.....proudly to say, i have experienced the love......and i should thank him for the great experience...and the flaws we had in our relationship.....am not going to say anything nor telling its the end.....do not have the courage..therefore let the silent be the answer for him...and even in one day he msg or call me, i will try not to reply or receive the call.....i try..even the excitement of getting to know, he's calling or texting....yet, no....not going to suffer....yet, jodoh tu bukan kita tentukan..tapi kita boleh usahakan.....

a week dee

Love : happiness, sad....tears...wasting....hate ..stupid

Love : happiness, sad....tears...wasting....hate ..stupid

It was at this year when i wished and pray for me to open my heart ...to accept and experience what is love...i pray the person to be accepted by my parents...by allah...able to be a guidance....yet...am stil afraid to get into relationship....and to add on, that person able to convinced me everything will be ok....able to fix and find solutions ...well, dream of being proposed...and a guy approach...knowing his basic history ..and my promise to accept and give a chance to both me and that guy into knowing each other...so we proceed...

There are bumbs here and there..n totally when it comes from me and misunderstanding arises...him being sensitive....and hot tempered..and surprisingly i'm  not or i do not have the chance to be mad at all to him...and my words which usually caused him to be mad....hmmm..cried...fight...anyway nobody is perfect....had a fight...giving up...and suddenly we are back...yet, it is not wat i wanted....yet..nobody is perfect....and i thought that, accepting once flaws is a part of being in relationship....every fight...i'm the one who will text...call..and even try to get back and apologize....and being him....he doesn't care at all....and  what do i get back from him...his anger voice....his harsh words....his bad reaction....not even having the attempt to msg back or apoligize...after the fight....am i being stupid? When he is ok after weeks of not texting or msg....he will just simply texted as normal morning and asking me....being me, i just act as normal and confiuse..is this normal....?

when i told to my friends, definitely they were happy...  and some of them dreamming of me to get married within few months.....deep inside my heart...i dont think it will happen...hmmmm...questions by them...which i will post towards the end...with my answer.... being single at this 30++ age not every girls wanted....

Get back to him and his background...being me, i am so happy, if a guy am able to approach me...yet knowing my background of education and earning...am much more than him..yet i don't really take it seriously as i thought that, characters and behavior does matters....as months past, i do realise something...and hope i was wrong....

him as the eldest of the family, he came down with the mum..and take care of his mum while waiting for the his mum operation...which gradually being postponed till 6 months and him being jobless...being me, when i want to meet him...i have to drive 1 hour to fetch him...and we went out ..dinner movie...etc...knowing him being jobless and dedication in taking care of his mum....there are times we share ..me pay...and try to avoid making him to pay most of the meals...meeting..yet...love covers everything.....a friend advice me, just imagine i'm in his shoes, n how it feels like being him.......hmmmm...patients...somehow, i went to meet an auntie to tell me about him and my future with him, if i ever get married...result from the auntie..bad..negative..miserable..conclusion ..yet advice..too soon to get for breakup..let things goes with it flows....noted...and  am still with him...and enjoying the experience..the good and most not the good....

wel,, love is not a bed of roses definately....yet, if two parties failed to find solutions and failed in communication....i dont think the relationship will work....yet, why am i hoping for this relationship ? We had a fight, and its been 5 days....and he never have the attempt to called or even send a fb msg.....it happened when he stop wishing me night, or morning wishes...he stop calling me sayang..and replace with my name which he usually does when he's angry with me...he stop asking me or msg me...maybe he was forced too...i just dont know....when i ask him for answer of his changed behavior...as usually he will be angry...and i notice he started to lied....and that where i just stop communicating with him....and i will never (cross finger) ever to attempt to start the conversation ever again....i deleted his number....

Questions
1. Can i see my future with him?
Answer: been dreaming about him..where he keeps missing when meeting with my parents....dont think am able to see him in my future..if yes, maybe and financially i'll be the main financial assistance to him and our family..

2. Do i love him?
Answer: at the beginning..no..but gradually, he manage to make me sayang him...and gradually and successful he made my love to him vanished....

3. Will he be able to be accepted by my parents?
Answer: Definately no...and i dont know why am i hoping for this relationship....

4. Can i see any improvement and happiness with him?
Answer: If he still failed to realize , he failed to fix the communication and find solutions to this relationship....i think there will be big problem in this relationship in future....

5. When we fight...
Answer: me: i will the be once who apologize, start the communication ...msg him...
             him: he will said bad things...negative...he managed to tell me, he did not love me...and maybe for the love, relationship etc....never try to reconcile back the relationship....and when he's ok...he will just ignore the caused of the fight....

Conclusion
Close my heart to any love, gradually trow back the love activities with him..even thou i'm missing it..yet, if he can do it successfully, why cant i...it just a matter of time...to get back to my life....untill he appreciate me, this relationship and start to see and work for the future, i will promise and pray, for my heart to dismiss his love in me........Aamiin....

Bismillah...

Dah lama dah and jarang sekali update blog..memories bila baca balik..lotsa things happen lately..Yet, azam akan dibuat slowly starting today ...tak payah tunggu lama lama

1.  Running

Not happy with the improvements on speed and time...Lack of training and love to give excuses...Its a matter of what you would like to archive....time or completion. Now need to move to next level..improve the time..definately am able to complete the race....but time is a challenge..gonna skip this next event..gonna start my running..this week.

2. Swimming

Slowly am back to swim..at least in  motnh 1-4 times per month...ok la...

3.PHD

Seriously am not happy. No progress...keep on giving and delaying my progress...a baby step n once am stabile..bila jump...

4. Financial

Nothing to complaint , but got to be happy and kawal skit kewangan tuu

5. Love

Hmmm...complicated..hate it when it comes to understanding the other parties unexpected behavior...yet, do i love him? am able to see my life with him? Am i sacrificing too much and downgrading myself just for the sake of LOVE?? Has he done anything for me? He has no vision for future, planning wise...hmmmmm....can i? should i proceed? will the relationship makes me happy? gosh.....hmmmm..its distracting me from my study and work???

New resolution

1. Running back..at least 2/week

2. Swimming / week or 4 times / month

3. Spend 1/2 hours reading per day and 2 hours on my system...

4. Weekend..spend time with family and home

5. Reward my self with something..to accomplish any of the above....lalalalal

5. Bring me closer to Allah....

Wish me the best..